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Nov. 14th, 2010

Sometimes I feel so ridiculous; like what's even the point in my existance? I just don't get it. Why do people love me when all I do is push them. I push everyone away. I feel like rubbish. I've left everything, and never on good times. Sitting there listening to Cemetery Weather I realise I did good at one point, so why did I cock it all up. For fucking cocaine, and it wasn't even me who took it!! I wish I could escape, but it's not possible unless I turn to some form of class A drug, which I know no one would ever forgive me for. Why can't I just disappear and stop feeling. These emotions always seem to override me, and I can't get a grasp on the reality of the situation. I can never look at things logically, there always has to be some form of psychological damage that gets in the way of it all. I can't accept that someone  would ever love me or want to be with me, yet they stick by me. But they always hurt me, every moment of every day something hurts. I don't know what it is. Years of trying to understand, I finally think I do but then I realise I don't. And now what? More councelling, more failed relationships, or suicide. I have a relationship, one that's pretty fucking perfect when you look at it. My self-esteem is so low I don't realise what I have. I think he has the upper hand, but everyone knows I do. He loves me more than I ever see, he just can't see it. He always tells me I'm better than him in every single way, but I pay no attention to it. All I ever see is what I've done wrong. But what have I really done wrong? Pushed him to make me feel better when I'm crying. Stopped him from doing stuff he didn't really want to do in the first place. Told him to appreciate everything I do more. But isn't all that selfish, shouldn't I just be thankfully for having a boy who loves me, and would move the world for me? I should just stop all the crap I feel. Why is it so hard to like myself. I am not unattractive, I have an amazing family who love me and care about me, I xan get people do what I want cos I have a sweet voice and a decent smile. But it's not enough. None of it's enough. I dropped out of sixth form to feel happier, and I do feel happier. But I know it's not enough, because I still don't like myself and know matter what i do or where I go, I will never ever like my self. Despite getting As, I am not clever, despite being told I'm beautiful, I am not pretty, despite being told I have a lovely personality, I am hateful. Everything people tell me is the opposite. Why do bad things stick? I do not know what could have happened to maky my confidence so low, and I do not know how to make it better. Do I even want to make it better? If I feel better, will I become fat, or stop caring if I'm a nice person. Without my insecurities I am not me. And if people say they love me, why would I want to change? Because I can't live with it much longer. Am I just exhausted? All these things pop up into my head constantly, and I know if I lost him that would be the end. I can't just let a boy decide whether I'm happy or not. I know I can live with out him, maybe even do better than him, but I don't want to. What's the point in dwelling on life when it's so short? But if it's so short, why is it so shit. Everything runs so deep. I might as well end it, just to see what happens. I don't want to care anymore, it makes the world feel impossible.

What's The Point?

So, my boyfriend just ended it.. Maybe.
We've been going out for just over seven months. I put up with him smoking weed, constantly, having depression, and taking coke, and then finding out that he cheated on me. Fair enough, I broke him with him for taking coke, but then he said he would change and I accepted it. And he only cheated on me after we had been going out for just three weeks, but it still hurt like Hell. Now, I told him that when we went on a break, I kissed another guy, and he flipped. I can't handle it. I can't live without him. I put up with all his shit, why can't he accept that I'm human too? He might get over bad situations with drugs, but I use boys and my eating - what's so bad about that? Every one has different coping mechanisms, and everyone hurts and makes mistakes. He hurt me, so I made a mistake. I didn't hurt him, and he made a mistake. I can't stop crying. I need him more than anything. I asked him if I should call in a few days, and I said that all I wanted was for us to get back together, but it was all up to him. Does that mean he cares, or that he really doesn't. I don't know ne more. He said he doesn't love me ne more, I can't handle that. I can feel my own depression slipping back - he was the only thing that kept me going. Every box of paracetamol and ibuprofen is out, now it's whether to take them or not.. If not, the full-blown anorexia is entering my life. I only fought it off for him, but now I will fast until he takes me back. And if he doesn't, then I'll have to die of malnutrition. This is my punishment, if I don't eat then I can make up for what I've done. I hope he can see that, and accept it. I never let me eating disorder get in the way of our relationship. I tried my best to maintain a healthy weight while we were going, just for him. Why can't he see what I've done for? I wouldn't do this for ne one else. He is all I have. This may sound unhealthy and ridiculous, but I guess that's how insecure I am. I need someone. In fact, I don't need someone, I need him. He's always there for me, and I'm always there for him. Even when he's depressed or so angry he could kill me, he's still there when I can't cope. I accepted every flaw he has, why can't he accept the one mistake I have made in our relationship. The only other mistake I've made is breaking up when he was doing coke, and I had to do that. he stopped being himself when he did coke, which is why I kissed some one else (WHEN WE WERE ON A BREAK!) I didn't have a real boyf for a onth or more, I just had this shell of a boyf. He doesn't understand how much I've done for him and how much I love him. I just want to make it up to him, but I don't know how. Oh well, the fast starts today.

I'm A Fake

 Everyday I walk around and I feel as though I am a fraud. Not because I am pretending to be happy and tell everyone it's fine when it's so not. But because - and I know this sounds pathetic - but because I am not dead from what I have and because I don't swallow too many pills ever night because I want to die. I feel like I am pretending to have an eating disorder and I  am pretending that I don't like myself and don't want to live my life ne more. Of course I don't tell ne one this is how I feel, which makes me feel even more of a fake. I don't know what to say ne more. I feel so lost. And soon i won't even have a psychologist, because I'll have to go to the adult mental health services, and my mum and dad don't want that. I just want to stop pretending, and just cry. I want to be able to explain it, but I know no one will understand why I feel this way. Idk who will get it. I barely understand it myself. I wish I could change myself, but then I would lose everyone I love - but I already feel like I'm losing them.

The return.

So I haven't posted in a long time, but that's basically because I've actually been okay. I got myself a boyf, who is lovely (I think) and I've been eating no less than 1000 and no more than 1300 cals. So really I have been leading the eating life of a pretty normal person - I was not at the extreme. But on wednesday I got fucked and turns out I rung up my boyf. Since thursday he's been off with me, and since thursday my calorie intake is getting lower. i know this stupid, but it's logical. Firstly it's because I feel I have done something wrong, so I should be punished. Secondly, it's because I feel I have lost all control over my life - again. The problem here is there is something he is upset about and Idk if it's me or if it's him, and because he won't tell me of course I just assume he no longer likes me. All this is so different to my previous relationship, where my boyf was a controlling dick, he is the one who pushed my eating disorder in to an extremety. I am meeting up with a couple of people I met at the inpatients today - one is anorexic the other does not have an eating disorder. These two people are really the only people in reality who can help me. My mum is supportive and can cheer me up short term, but she doesn't know how to help me with specific dilemmas - and I could never talk to her about my eating. Then my two best friends are just no good at really helping me. Tbh I don't really feel as though I can rely on their support, they just wouldn't know what to say or how to react. But why should they? They shouldn't have to know what to say to a friend who feels stuck and like she doesn't know where she's going and who isn't eating. The worst thing is that most people I know are pretty obsessed with eating and dieting but still eat shit loads. There is only a very select few who do not. But this constant talk of figures and eating just fucks with my head more. Tbh I don't want to be a twig - my boyf doesn't want me to be a twig. But I can't help but diet, I can't help but get that high when I weigh less than the day before. I can't help but be filled with happiness when I reach a goal weight. I can't help but feel that ecstatic rush when I haven't eaten for days. Although, there are times when i feel I should eat, but can't. Recently I have been crying myself to sleep every night (much like when I was very ill with an ed). And with this horrible depressed feeling I have not felt hungry - my stomach has shrunken up and I feel sick. It's horrible. I just wish I could be perfect, but I can't do it ne more. There are so many contributing factors, but I struggle every day trying not get ill again, because I want a normal and happy life. i want it more than anything. I want so much to feel able to just relax and live. But I can't because I'm fucking me, and how am I supposed to change? I just don't know.

back again.

Okay so it's been so long and no one's gonna read this but nvm it's good to just get stuff off your chest sometimes..
So basically I feel shit. Probably because I'm tired and hungry and feel so fat. My best friends mum died the other night so I'm pretty down about that, and I love her to bits but I guess I feel like I'm losing her. I only really have 4 friends ne more at school, 2 of which I hardly talk to. Ne other friends I have go to another school and all we ever do is go out and get fucked. I have a boyf who I can talk to but not about everything. I can't talk to ne one about everything, because everyone seems to think it's a bad thing to want to lose weight. Why should it be a bad thing. No one tells fat people to stop eating, so why tell people who aren't overweight to stop dieting. So long as I don't get put on a tube or admitted to hospital won't I be fine. What does it matter if your just thinner than the rest of your family, so long as your not dead. No one understands these things. So neway I've got a new boyf and well he's got quite the track record. Thing is normally i would think once a cheater always a cheater but he was cheating when he had all these issues and then he got them sorted, like properly sorted so Idk if he's changed or not. I don't really care if he does because we're both young so those things happen to everyone, I guess I just wish I could meet some one who's nice and funny and doesn't fuck me about or make me want to kill myself everytime I talk to them. But that's just not going to happen. I mean he's all those things now, I just don't know if I'm what he wants me to be, so all I can do is lose weight, because thats my way to please people. If someone doesn't tell me what they want then how am I supposed to be that, so I'll just do it the way I can. The way I like to do it. So thats all I have to say for now. Except that everyone is pissing me off today, so if a murder is commited tonight it could be me. Jokes..
So i haven't been on in a long long long long long fuckingg time and tbh no one's gonna read this but i guess there's no other wayy that i can get out how i feel. treatment is goingg okayy but there's no wayy they'd fuckingg understand this feelingg.
i just want to go and be some one else. somethingg entirely different to who and what i am now. i want to disappear. i want to change. i cant handle this shit ne more. whats the point in me beingg here iff i cant be happy. i know im goingg to die alone with no one caringg about me. i'll have pushed my entire family awayy. i'll lose contact with every friend i have. no boyy will ever love me. i know i get guyys now but thats not on the basis of them actually liking me its to do the fact that i'll fuck them and thats all they want. i constantly change who my friends arre cos im too much of a bitch for ne of them to actually want to stayy friends with me. the longest i've ever properly kept a friend for is two years despite the fact that all my friends form primary school moved up to my secondary school. there's pretty much no chance i'll want to kep in contact with my dad once i move out. and me and my mum just wont talk to each other. and my little brother will realise how much of a bitch i am at some point and hate me for ever. i dont understand why ne one ever talks to me its not likk im nice or funn to be aroubd. im just a selfish bitch. i dont understand why boyys even want to fuck me newayys its not likk a look nice at all. i just wanna go awayy but not in a nice wayy. i want to punish myself enough before i go. thats why im not gonna eat untill i go back to treatment which is on wednesdayy next week and im gonna take ten laxatives a dayy just to feel the pain and the hate come out of me.
I just wan tto die.  I fuckingg hate it.

Back home...


So I got suspended from the unit for self harm cos its FORBIDDEN lol.. its ridiculous likk thats gonna stop me.. Fucking dicks they walked into my bedroom while I was doing it.. What if I was naked??? I go back on thursday.. Idk if I want to I mean I wanna get better definately I cant stand this constant hate I have but I just can't stand the fact that I have to talk to people and I cant just escape on my own when I'm down it's not what I'm used to and I hate it.. All I wanna do is disappear and it's the one thing they wont let me do..
There's this one girl there who I think hates me already.... BITCH!! XD 
Being back home could be interesting.. I bet me and my mum get into at least one argument before I go back.. I dont just me a pathetic argument I mean a can't get over it for days (or weeks) argument but I don't care..
I'm fasting tomorrow to shift soem weight.. Being at the unit means I cant just fast for a few days and if I do they'll just sit me down and talk for hours which is the one thing I can't stand at all but I just dont wanna be here and not eaating is likk a way of disappearing and no one really ever seems to get that.
Todays been a rubbish day I just haven't been able to concentrate at all I plastered on a smile at break fast and after about 4 but between about half nine and half 3 I was just unable to pretend nemore.. Idk if it's better if I pretend there or not cos if I do they'll leave me be when I wanna be on my own (I hope) but I might not get ne better and if I don't pretend I prolly will get more help (which I need tbh) but then they'll just do things that I struggle with so so much idk if I'll be able to handle it.. I'm gonna have to pretend to make everyone else happy cos they deserce it more than I do.. I'll just struglle on silently and then if I disappear no one oughta notice :)
Good Plan..
 

Easter holidays..

I wrote my very best friend a little letter trying to explain my ed.
I told her how its not me who decides what I eat, what I wear, how I act, who I talk to. I didn't tell her it was ana, I didn't tell her it was mia. I told her how it's not all about wanting to be thin; I didn't tell her everything, I didn't go into detail, but I told her more than I've told anyone else.
So I got totally pissed last night, again. I'm not worried about how my mum is going to react, I don't care if she goes fucking mental. do care about what I said to her last night though. I'm pretty sure I told her some harsh stuff that I really wouldn't have told if I was sober, we'd just gotten into a fight before hand so I was already pissed off at her, but usually I can place my words carefully. It was so annoying last night though because I don't eat so I got drunk quicker than every one else and I really don't remember it. The thing is I don't know what I've done with this guy, my packet of condoms was open and I woke up naked, but I really really hope nothing happened because I don't want to just fuck anybody, it doesn't matter how well I know them. I just want it to be special, every single time. This is why I hate being pissed. Of course there are good sides to getting drunk. You feel completely relaxed, with no worries and nothing to stress you out, and you don't want to slit your wrists and die every second of the day. You can actually be happy, for once.
Haven't got a hang over though so that's good :)

Oh fuck..

33 laxies in one day and prolly more to come.. Not good.. At all.
I jst feel weak and tired all the time and I'm starting to get taht snappy rude personality back and I can't handle it. I'm getting claustraphobic again.. I dunno if its from laxatives or not enough energy but what ever it is I can't handle it I just want to be on my own all the time.. i don't wanna talk to my friends again. I cant be here any more. It would be so much easier if I just died.. Then no one would ever have to care.. Ever. It's likk what my ex said taht some one should warn Rory about my issues before he falls in love with me. It's true then he'd never have to care about me and I could just starve or die and it would be up to me.. No one else. But it's just so nice to be wanted and needed. Rory was leaving my house yeserday and he was hugging me and he said he didn't want to go.. Even though it was prolly more to do with the fact that he wanted me to suck him off rather than he actually genuinly likks me (likk anyone ever could)it was still so nice to hear.. I just wanna be loved again and not have to listen to how my ex is fucking all these girls and just doesn't give a shit about me anymore after everyday he was telling me how was the most important thing i his life.
I just don't wanna live anymore.. I wanna die of starvation or when I'm leaning over the toilet throwing up cos that way I know I've succeeded. I'll have won. Then no one will have to care that I'm not eating or that I'm running off to the toilet after every meal. No one will have to look at me or talk to me ever again. I'll never have to feel heart avhe. I'll never have to feel unwanted. I'll never have to put up with bitchy comments or dirty looks. I just want to disappear into thin air.. Not be here anymore it's just too hard I can't take it anymore. If I starve to death I will have disappeared.. There'll be no more fat on me all of my body will start to waste away into nothing.. It's all I want.. All I need.
actually I don't really know what I need or what I want. No. I know I want to die. I know I don't want to be here anymore. But I don't know if thats the right decision. I do have hopes! I do have dreams! I WANT to fall in love. I WANT to start a family. I WANT to be happy. But I know taht will never happen to me. No one could ever really love me. They might think they can at first.. They might likk the make up and ignore the ugly girl underneath it. They might likk the flattering clothes and ignore the fat girl underneath. They might likk the way those slutty ways and ignore the low self esteem under neath. They might love the happy bubbly beautiful girl I seem to be but they'll soon learn to hate me. They'll see all my flaws one day. They'll start to realise I have imperfections. I can't have imperfections! But we all do dont we..
Rory asked me why I was going to the outpatient centre I told it was because of depression, I couldn't admit to having an ed.. Not another person can find out. But he couldn't believe it he said i was likk the least depressed person he knew.. How ironic I'm prolly the most depressed person i know.
I just want someone to love me and someone that I can really really love back.. Some one that can really make me happy. I don't want to be in another relationship where I'm lying to them and to myself where I'm so desperately unhappy all I think about is suicide. But maybe thats just my personality. Mybe it's not because they're the wrong guy but because I'm just wrong.. All wrong. I was made to not be loved. My aunty is 45ish and all on her own.. I don't want to be likk that. I told this to Rory.. he said yewh won't end up likk that.. But I know I will. I'm disgusting and boring and horrible and just the worst thing yewh can imagine. How can anyone ever love me?
All I want is to make everyone around me happy.. Is that so hard?? Does it really take my death? If I don't feel better soon it will. It will have to. And if it doesn't how will I know. I'll be dead. Then everyone can finally move on and forget me.

Apr. 4th, 2009

Did a load of stuff with a guy last night.. No sex :( but close lolI've gotta get it outa my system before I go away oh well there might be some fit guys in the out patient unit.. But I'm quite happy atm and I lost 5 lbs last night yay down to 101 lbs hopefull I'll be at 90 by then end of April.. I hope

Thursday 1st April - 17
Friday 2nd April - 43
So far today - 19

Xxxxx

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